Catharsis
by IloveBSG
Summary: Lee and Sam discuss Kara. Warning: major character death.


I make no claims on any of these characters.

Catharsis

Lee entered the pilot's lounge and saw the man he was searching for alone in the room sitting at a table in the back.

_Just give him the report and get out of here_, he thought to himself.

Lee walked over to the table where Sam Anders sat with a glass and a half empty bottle of Ambrosia. Sam looked up to see who had dared enter. He had chased everyone away with his loud and obnoxious behavior in order to be alone. Seeing Lee Adama standing before him only served to darken his already foul mood.

"Yes, _Major_?" he asked with a sneer in his voice.

"The Admiral wanted me to give you this." Lee said with as little emotion in his voice as possible, as he placed the report on the table. "It's the final report concerning Kara's death."

All the bravado seemed to drain out of Sam upon hearing Lee's words. As he stared at the paper in front of him he asked with obvious pain in his voice, "Anything in there that's going to bring her back?"

Lee was at a loss as to how to reply. He had felt the same way when he had been given the report. "No," Lee answered softly after a moment's hesitation.

"Then I don't need to read it. I know everything I need to know," as he pushed it aside.

Lee turned to leave, but Sam put his hand on Lee's arm and asked, "Would you stay and have a drink?"

Surprised, Lee looked into Sam's eyes and saw the pain registered there. This was just what he had wanted to avoid. He knew Sam might try to get him to stay and talk about Kara. Even though it had been five months since her death, it was still an emotionally raw topic for him that he had done his best to steer clear of.

The first few weeks had actually been the easiest; everyone had wanted to talk about their fondest memories of the legendary Starbuck. He had found that that had actually helped him get through that period; it had kept her memory alive, and the finality of her death had not sunk in yet. But eventually everyone else moved on with their lives, and speaking of Kara to others now had become awkward. He was amazed that people could not see a gaping hole in his chest where his heart had been whenever they looked at him; that's what it felt like. It was similar to the feelings he had experienced when Kara had married Sam the morning after their only night together. He had no one he could talk to about this, especially Dee, so he had bottled up his feelings and tried to move on with his life. Every now and then when he was alone, mostly when he was flying CAP, his thoughts would turn to Kara. A feeling of loss would surface that was so intense that he had to turn off the comm system so no one in CIC would wonder at the sound of sobbing. He didn't want to get to that point while talking to Sam, but before he stopped to think what he was doing, he answered, "Okay," and took a seat across the table.

Sam got up and went to the nearby counter to get Lee a glass. He poured both of them a drink and handed one to Lee.

"To Kara," Sam said holding his glass up as he retook his seat.

"To Kara," Lee echoed as he too raised his glass.

Neither of them said anything for several moments, both lost in their memories of the woman they were drinking to. Sam was the one to finally break the silence.

"Today is the anniversary of the day Kara left me behind on Caprica," he said as he stared intently at the glass in his hand. "The last thing I said to her that day was 'Be safe.' I'd given up hope long before that of ever being rescued, but I just wanted to know that she was going to survive."

"Kara was never one to look for the 'safe' path on any journey," Lee added, thinking of all the times she had risked her life for him and others.

"That's one of the things that made her who she was," Sam stated with a rueful smile.

"When she returned from Caprica she wanted to go back immediately. There was so much going on in the fleet at that point, though, that it was put on hold. It was killing her as the weeks went by and it seemed that a rescue would never be authorized."

"She told you all that?" Sam asked in disbelief.

Lee smiled slightly. "Not exactly. She started drinking more than I'd ever seen her drink, and she looked awful. It got so bad I was even concerned about her ability to fly her viper." Lee chose his next words carefully, remembering the context of his conversation with Kara. "When I tried to get her to talk, all she would say was, 'I'm hung up on a dead guy and it's pissing me off!'"

Hearing that, for the first time since Lee had entered the room, Sam smiled.

"She really did love you, you know," Lee confided to him grudgingly.

Sam drank in those words like a man dying of thirst. His eyes moistening as he replied, "She had a strange way of showing it."

"I think that was due to being terribly hurt in her past," Lee speculated.

Sam sat in silence as he contemplated what Lee had just said. "I've wondered at times if some guy named Zack may have been the one responsible," said Sam. "She would call out 'No, Zack, No!' in her sleep at times."

"Zack _never_ would have hurt Kara!" Lee said coldly. He really didn't want to discuss Zack with Sam, but he felt he needed to make him understand why he was so sure, so he added, "He was her fiancée."

"Fiancée? I never even knew she'd been engaged!" Sam sat there a moment taking in this new piece of information about Kara. "Did he die in the attack on the colonies?"

It took Lee a few moments to answer. Thinking about two of the people he had loved the most in his life both being dead was almost too much to bear. "No, Zack died two years before that."

Again a long pause ensued as Sam processed what Lee had just said. "She obviously felt like she could confide in you more than she could in me," said Sam disconsolately. "Every time I would try to get her to talk about her nightmares she clammed up. She never even mentioned Zack to me."

"She didn't confide much in me either. I know all this because Zack was my brother.

Kara was never one that liked to discuss her past; although, the day of the attack on the colonies she told me that she was responsible for Zack's death. She had been his flight instructor and had passed him even though she didn't feel he had a feel for flying because she was in love with him. Shortly after that he died in a viper crash. When I asked her why she was telling me all this, she said, 'It's the end of the world, Lee. I feel the need to confess my sins.' That was probably why she sounded distressed when dreaming about Zack."

Sam could just sit there stunned.

"She never told me any of this."

Lee could finally understand the pain coming from Sam. He was second guessing what Kara had felt for him. Lee knew all too well the pain of feeling the person you love most in the world didn't feel the same way.

"Sam, Kara loved you. I have a feeling she may not have said it out loud much, but she did. She risked her life to go back to Caprica for you, she called me begging me to release some antibiotics for you because she thought you were dying from pneumonia right before the Cylons showed up on New Caprica, and above all she chose to marry you. Doesn't all that tell you something?"

Sam sat silently pondering what Lee had said before downing the rest of his drink and asking, "Mind answering a question for me?"

"Depends on the question."

"What was the cause of the fight between you and Kara? You guys didn't speak to each other for months."

Lee was perplexed as to what to say. He certainly hadn't come in here with any intentions of trying to comfort Sam, but that was what he had found himself doing. Answering this question, however, wouldn't help either one of them heal.

"Sorry, Sam. I'm afraid I can't answer that one," Lee said as he stood up and started heading for the hatch. He thought he had better leave before things got any more awkward.

"There's one more thing you might want to know," Sam said loudly making no effort to stop Lee if he was really determined to leave.

Lee took the bait, though, and stopped, without turning around.

"Kara talked about you in her sleep too."

Sam waited to see if Lee would come back to the table, but he just stood there facing the hatch as if frozen.

"She'd mumble the same thing about once a week. I never asked her about it, but she'd repeat it over and over, 'I'm sorry, Lee, I'm so sorry.'"

Lee continued to stand facing the hatch, only now tears were streaming down his face. Without turning around he managed to choke out the words, "Thank you, Sam, for telling me this."

He continued on to the hatch, pulled it open, and walked out, shutting it behind him. Spotting a nearby supply closet, he made his way to it, went inside and closed the door. Taking two more steps he leaned his arms against the wall, hid face in his arms, and wept. Overcome with emotion he imagined Kara muttering those words in her sleep.

Tilting his head slightly upwards he said softly, "Thank you, Kara."

_The End_


End file.
